Is This My Imagination?
by hollie-x
Summary: Based on a dream I had the other day and I woke up in hysterical tears and I couldn't stop. Enjoy? Yeah I don't think you will.


**So this fan fiction is probably the most depressing one I've ever written, just to warn you. It stems from a dream, or nightmare depending on which way you look at it, that I experienced the other night. I actually woke up in the morning in tears because it felt so real. I actually cried more than the actual Hollyoaks episodes.**

_**I would say enjoy, but you won't.**_

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I see him. Nobody believes me but I see him. I feel his presence with me all day, every day. He told me he'd keep me safe, told me he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, but it had. Him dying, getting shot, that didn't keep me safe, that ruined my life. But somehow I find comfort that he feels the need to be by my side and somehow try to make me "okay" with us not having a normal relationship like we should be enjoying now.

I remember the first time I saw him after it happened. I was on a downwards spiral, still am really. I was paraletic drunk, craved more alcohol. No life, no money. If I went to the shop in the state I was the likelihood of falling over and cracking my head open was high. Either that or choke on my own vomit. I remember screaming that I needed more drink, swearing at myself, hitting myself with as much force as I could manage. Then when I walked back in the kitchen area there they was.

_Four beers waiting on the side for me._

I looked around the room, not understanding how the hell they'd been placed there. I hadn't let anybody in the flat since the shooting, I'd took spare keys off of everybody who had them. The flat was a mess. My mess, the mess I helped to create when I called the police and ruined both of our lives. That's when I noticed him, leaning against the doorframe. He wasn't covered in bullet holes and blood like the last time I'd seen him. He looked amazing, beautiful. He looked like the Brendan I remembered before all the shit that was thrown at us.

I've seen him most days since then. I don't need to shout his name to get his attention like I used to do when he was pre-occupied and couldn't hear my calling. I just had to think really hard about him and then he'd appear, smile spread across his face.

_"Steven?"_

I looked up. Remembering the first time I'd seen him had crossed the message to his brain that I wanted to see him. I never pass off an oppurtunity to spend a bit of time with him.

"Hi. You came."

_"I always come Steven"_

Its true. There hasn't been one time since I realised that if I thought about him he'd turn up. He'd arrived in the flat everytime he entered my brain.

_"Wanna do something fun today?" _

A smirk appeared on my face, before Brendan shook his head._ "Not that Steven. Pillow fight?"_

"You want to have a pillow fight? With me?"

He nodded his head. I felt like a child again, he always did that. Regress us to younger than we are. That's one thing I love..used to love.. about Brendan. I could be myself around him and I didn't need to put on an act and try to act my age because to be honest even if he was numerically older than me, mentally he wasn't.

I raced to the bedroom and I could feel him following me, we both grabbed a pillow each and he jumped on the bed trying to get to me. I screamed, laughter filling the room. Secretly I wanted to get caught, I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and hold me close like he used to.

* * *

We pillow fought for a good few minutes. My times with Brendan were always short, but always cherished. We didn't make that many memories together when he was alive, so I was making some now when he was technically gone, although he wasn't to me.

_"I need to go now Steven."_

"No Brendan! Not yet have a drink or something!"

_"You know I have to go Steven..."_

"No please! Please don't leave me Brendan!"

I went to grab his arm, but my touch melted through his skin. I couldn't grip him, I couldn't hold onto him. I looked down, my arm was halfway through his and I couldn't help but cry.

Brendan wasn't real. Brendan was a ghost.

I've been kidding myself for too long.

I'm dreaming.

"I love you Brendan." I whispered.

But Brendan didn't reply, instead as I stared at him, he faded away until I was staring at a blank wall. I fell down to the floor, legs giving way.

I was alone again, as I always have been.

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**Guessing I have depressed you. Apologies...**

**Review? :)**


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